bekahhh

kidding myself

2005-07-26T17:18:50Z

so I admit that I am completey horrible at keeping this thing up.....but a lot of stuff can happen in a couple weeks so i figured I needed to take the time and sit down and write an updated entry....newayz, I started laughing when I went over and read my last couple entries....I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote them...u see me and jay's relationship is unlike anything I have had before...for starters, I never thought I would find myself with someone so completely different than me! I mean they do say opposites attract...but opposite does not even begin to describe J.J and I!! He is everything I said that I didn't want...so why am I with him u ask....I have been tryin 2 figure that out for a month now..... i just try 2 hard to make something out of nothing....I want to be able to care for someone else, but I can't. At least not Jay. Don't get me wrong..I do care about him, I just know it will most definitely be over when I go to college! I know that there is better out there...and it is not that he is a bad person....we r just not right for eachother. That is the only way I can describe it..I have finally admitted it even though I have denied it to everyone for so long! I am not happy..and the sooner I get to college, the better....I have to just start over with everything...it is the best thing for me. I tried too hard to be happy w/ another guy too soon. I am not ready to do this. It is too early for me. It feels good to be honest with myself....but that is only the first step, and I am too afraid to take anymore...

C/S...2nite I am goin 2 lexington to stay w/ my aunt b/c tomm I have orientation at EKU! I am pretty pumped about that! 23 more days!! But who's counting! lol!

I am just ready for my life to make sense again..............................

bekahhh @ 2005-07-16T00:21:00

2005-07-16T04:22:15Z

DISREGARD THE LAST MESSAGE!!!!! IM NOT READY TO CARE

bekahhh @ 2005-07-15T22:31:00

2005-07-16T02:41:40Z

Tonight I realized that I am missing my boy like crazy........the last time I saw him was Monday night which seems like such a long time...but why?? I have always said that this was just a summer thing, but I find myself falling for him more and more each day....It's hard to think I am gonna leave him in 34 days... But how can two completely different people be so amazing together? He is everything I have always said I didn't want, and everything I need all at the same time........but why am I allowing myself to feel like this? Am I setting myself up to be hurt again? it's funny how life works against ur plans sometimes......I never thought I would care this much, but I do and it scares me....my heart is broken, I have nothing left to give, and I am leaving in a month....why is this happening now?

I MISS YOU JAY!!! :(

more soon!

bekah

just chillin

2005-07-09T04:31:19Z

let's just say today is a lot better than yesterday! Sorry for all the people that I upset...I know I was very hard 2 handle last night, and a little emotional.

The day started at one for me! lol....when I don't go to bed till like 5 in the morning, it is hard to get up any earlier than that! :) I woke up, got ready, picked my sister up from work, and met my grandparents for lunch. Then after that I came home, and left again 2 go 2 jay's house. we both had 2 work at six 2nite so it worked out pretty good. We had a pretty chilled day and it was nice to relax for once this week! plus it was good to see alex and austin (jay's nephews)one more time b4 they have 2 go home. I have fallen in love w/ those little boys I sware! They r both soo precious...well newayz, work was slow, and I got 2 go home early which was good....only 2 come back @ 11 2 pick up jay b/c his car still isn't fixed! lol no biggie though....so then that puts me here....sittin in front of my computer that I was never on much until I was introduced to "The Facebook!" lol for those on it u know what I am talkin about! It is soo addicting! But my day was fun 2 me but pretty boring 2 read about! "pretty ricky"....that was good but u have to either be sarah or angie 2 know what the heck I am talkin about! lol sorry one of those inside jokes between best friends! But there's really not much else 2 talk about 2day.....5 weeks and 3 days b4 I leave for EKU! I cannot wait! It will be bittersweet though b/c nothing will ever be the same again.

I love you SARAH CHRISTINE HAVILAND & ANGELA MARIE JACKSON!! You are my true gurlies forever no matter how far apart we are about to get!!! :(

hurt and confused

2005-07-07T23:26:59Z

Have u ever recieved news from someone that completely shatters your heart and shakes ur whole world....just when you think that you have ur feet back on the ground from ur last hardship, something happens and makes everything else seem minor? That is exactly what I am feeling at this point. It is stupid though,to go into detail b/c there is only one person that would understand everything, and we are not even on speaking terms....so explaining anything is just out of the question. For the first time in my life, I am completely alone on this one.

can't sleep

2005-07-04T06:40:24Z

Ok so i guess I finally broke down and joined this journal thing....lol Elizabeth set up my s/n which I am still wonderin why there are 3 h's in my name.. but neways.... guess u are supposed 2 talk about ur life on here so here goes......

Summer is crazy just like I was expecting it to be....only with a little more bitter- sweet surprises than I anticipated....I am just ready to get out of the hell hole that I am in and go 2 college and start a brand new life for myself! It is going to be amazing and I am countin down the days....literally....

Today was a pretty good day...I got to sleep in till 12 this afternoon which when u have a 3 yr old sister, is a very rare occurence.... and I woke up to the sound of jay's voice which made my morning/afternoon even better. for those of u who don't know....jay is like my summer boy...he's such a cutie, and I have soo much fun w/ him....but it will be a very long time until I get involved in another serious relationship....I am just not ready for it and I am not looking 4 one...so basically I am just havin fun for the summer. Newayz, I ended up gettin ready and spendin my entire day with him. His brother is in the marines, and is back in town for two weeks to be with his wife while she had her baby, so they r all living at his house right now....Alex Ray was born a couple of days ago and is the most precious thing ever! I helped lindsey take care of the baby, while jay passed out on my lap lol,I was there for all of the afternoon, and most of the evening....then came home and hung out with my family. So my day wasn't really all that exciting..but I was off work and with my boy...so in my eyes...it couldn't have been any better...Btw, anyone who I told that me and him weren't dating anymore, I had a last minute change of heart. I don't agree w/ some of the decisions that jay makes a lot of the times, but I am not gonna judge him for it. He can do what he wants...b/c like I said b4 I am just havin fun with it...

other than that, there is not much else to say...besides Sarah needs to come back from New Jersey b4 I go absolutely crazy without her! Sarah boo I miss u sooooooo much...well that's it for now...i am sure I will have more tomm...holla